on “faith in chaos”

In my junior year of college, our field hockey coach unanimously (I presume) declared our theme for that season as faith in chaos”. This phrase was somehow represented by the “π” (pi) symbol and was imprinted on all our gear.

I’m sure you can see the connection between “π” and ‘faith in chaos’, too. (Eye roll).

Considering I was cynical and burnt out (^), I saw nothing ‘faithful’ about this dreary ‘season’ I was personally experiencing. All I thought about was the utter chaos. Fittingly, chaos is all I saw. I let my world become filled with it– on the field, in the locker room, on the travel bus, at the breakfast table, in the film room, in study hall, in the athlete cafeteria, in team meetings, and on the bench.

{News flash: this kind of chaos is everywhere on this earth and it’s here to stay.}

Yet my brain constantly repeated, “something’s (very) wrong here”. For me, it was inescapable. In a way, getting into the details of it all isn’t important, because it’s all lives in story.

What happened is reducibly quite simply. I lost the faith in my chaos, too.

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Everytime I was thrown into the fire, I chose to cease feeling. I withdrew completely. The bigger the flames rose over me, the less I called out.

My unique chaos (just like the one you possess) is a God-given chaotic gift.

These gifts are big. So big that we don’t always know how to handle them. Yet instead of seeking our maker, we try to control. We try to solve, to fix, to hide. We opt for “playing it safe” and “keeping our mouths shut“.

Let me ask you something, when has that ever helped you to advance?

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Now let me tell you something, regaining this part of your faith feels full of chaos. Legit c h a o t i c !

This kind of chaos, is crazy–yes, but it’s also that passionate, deep soulful hunger; yet also the incredible feeling of fullness. That yearning desire for more; yet simultanously being overwhelmed with contentment. That thirst for wanting to know, how big? but when? and why?

The answer comes from doing. It comes from knowing and not knowing; from learning in between. It comes from not talking about life, but living it. It’s the power that comes from willfully speaking your heart; the joy of selfless listening. The attempts to plan met with spontaneity. The hustle for connection met with an almost scary coincidence & surprise.

The answer comes solely from Him, alone, present within me in the world.

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I think what He is asking us to do, is to speak out within the chaos. To be in the world, yes–but not of it.To rise up and ask the tough questions, the pray the ‘impossible’ requests.  To stop hiding what we think he doesn’t already know. To surrender and to t r u s t. To desire to be fully in relationship. To share, and share some more.


Know that the chaos in you, is the chaos that He has given you to live out your God-sized dream.

The faith part is an uncomplicated choice that’s up to you. You can leave the rest up to Him.

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“Champion of Heaven, you make a way for all to enter it”. -Bethel Music

faith in c h a o s, in every season.
faith in c h a o s, in every season.

K.V

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