Faith / General / Inspiration / Lessons / Quote

on believing

 This past week, while cleaning out old drawers and packing up to move home, I found quite a few old journals. Keeping them is such a crazy thing. Naturally, I picked up & read them – becoming absolved in the words filling their pages, written by my former self. While reading one of mine, in a bit of shock, shame, and disbelief I wanted to toss it.  Then I thought whether I should still keep it. No, I wanted to burn it. Or maybe, I could share it. Then, I wanted to close it. But still, I forcibly reopened it.

Mostly, I thanked Him for it. I didn’t ever comprehend the emotions or heartache I was experiencing, but he did. He knew the prayers my soul cried out, even when my mind or heart didn’t know what to say.

Entries would often begin in quiet despair, lackluster venting, aimless ranting, and hurt helplessness, just bobbing to stay afloat in rough waters. Then suddenly, I’d be crying out in prayer, asking Him for help, to shine his light in the depths of the dark pits I’d dug to.

But I think that’s what being a believer is about.

It’s inviting the Holy Spirit to be at work inside of you, even when we want to run, or hide, or give up.

Knowing that in every shameful, vulnerable, defeated, and completely uncourageous moment, he has a power to redirect our focus. To raise us up, time and time again.

And this year, I heard one of his quiet whispers. He finally asked me, “Kait, are you done?”

At first I couldn’t answer. Steadfast, I wanted to hold onto the miserable, distant, and numb- but comforting, in a familiar kind-of-way- feelings that I knew so well.

Yet, then I knew, the battle with myself is not one I’m willing to lose again. 

“Yes, I’m done.”, I whispered back. The silent tears rolling down my cheeks. My heart beating that much stronger.

Even greater, I learned that those dark moments, those inner voices that say, “You’re not good enough. You’re weak. You don’t deserve that. You’re not capable.” won’t ever fully go away. I still have to be aware of them. I still have to acknowledge their existence and work with, not against, them. They’ll be challenged by the bigger affirmations firing back:

I AM good enough.

I AM fearfully and wonderfully made.

I AM powerful beyond measure.

I AM capable. I am loved. I am strong.

I AM worthy of love & belonging. -Brenè Brown

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{Further, I learned the value of taking a stand not only for myself, but for other people. I hope to never see anyone, particularly a loved one, experience the crippling times that I did. But hell if they do, I want to make sure they never work through it alone; that they never become their own biggest obstacle. We’re all human, and we’re here for each other. }

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Reflecting is a beautiful thing. And the fear of the unknown, the deprecating thoughts, and the anxiety of the future calms all the more when I start to realize I’m anxious about then, because I’m already giving everything to it right now. When you think about it that way, I shouldn’t be anxious about then at all. Rather, I should be confident, knowing that I’m already setting myself up for thensimply by fully embracing the now. If you don’t learn to love where you’re at now,  what makes you think you can automatically love then?

“I want to dance in the face of the unknown. I want to never grow tired of the ocean. I want to never take for granted how magnificent the sun is. How magnificent God is.”

{the joy is in the journey.}

It’s about believing.

Believing wholeheartedly, ‘now’.

Then’ will take care of itself.

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K.V

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5 thoughts on “on believing

  1. love you girl. incredibly vulnerable of you to post, and you should be proud – not only for doing so, but for getting through it and potentially helping someone else through their own storm. <3

  2. Kaitlyn…I’m so proud of the woman you are…and always have been…and will continue to be “then”! I love your self explorations, your faith, your courage, strength, and sensitive heart. I love you!!
    Xoxo 😘
    G

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