General

on control vs. choice

There’s always something about a solo road trip that seems to spur my next blog post.

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Over the last couple years, Ive made some strides with anxiety and control. Don’t get me wrong, I’m can easily still tense, stress, or overreact in arguably mundane situations. It’s an area of work for me, but the feeling that things are dire, has definitely lessened.

My month 3 “no habit is an accident” challenge has been pretty telling, too. ironically, the idea of not planning, or fully controlling the course of the day, has left me with even more of a desire to do so.

It’s seriously CRAZY to realize how much energy can be wasted on the inner turmoil associated with the inability–(or fear of the inability) to control.

But what I see now, is that I actually do have the ability to control at every moment.

Yes, you read that right. 

I have the power to control my words, thoughts, and reactions at any moment. it’s a consious choice. because–buzz kill–the inability to control situations, circumstances, other people, & the future, isn’t going away. I can only acknowledge my fear of it, and the cost of giving into it (ie: the anxiety, restlessness, annoyance, fatigue, yuck, blah, mehh).

Knowingly, confidently choosing how I will respond in each situation–as it’s occurring–is what’s within my realm. Not what’s already happened. Not what’s going to happen.

And it’s not easy. At all. It’s freaking hard as hell.

We want to predict. We. Just. Want. To. Know.

Giving that up is practically just against human nature (for most of us at least).

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To a degree, planning & being prepared aren’t necessarily synonymous either. Being prepared makes you not only aware, but ready to deal with multiple outcomes. It’s a form of agility. Whereas, too much planning can get you stuck, because it essentially leaves you assuming the course of events.

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Planning can also show up far beyond just the pages of a calendar. It often lies in our communication. Ie: sometimes we’re too scared to say something to someone because we’re already planning on getting a certain answer. Or we’ll have a conversation with another person and not even hear what they just said because we were already contemplating our next response. We’ll leave for work or run errands with just enough time, and then get pissed when there’s traffic or a line.

It’s literally just our plan. no ‘or the highway‘ involved.

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Control is when ‘not knowing‘ drives us nuts. when the unexpected throws us off. When the doubt of ever being ‘good enough’ practically derails us. When fear paralyzes us. When we miss out on or force things, because we were too intent on the way it ‘should’ go.

But choice, opens us back up to a world of possibility in every instance. Finding peace in that, no matter the outcome, is what frees us.

Control is for the would’ve, could’ve, shouldve’s. the sideliners. The ‘wish-I-had-it-all-ers’.

Yet choice is for the do-ers. The true gamers. The ones that quite simply, are willing to play bigger.

K.V

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3 thoughts on “on control vs. choice

  1. I found you through searching Google on various topics and must say, I AM HOOKED. You speak from the heart, your a runner, and trying to make sense of life. PREACH.
    <3
    New follower (and excited to keep on reading!) :D

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